...That which yields is not always weak...

I have come to the realization that we (not just Master and I, but a lot of you out there who still read this) are living out the fantasy of maybe millions of people.

I was in a bookstore the other day, I wandered through the erotica section and most of the books there were about BDSM.  I was a little shocked about this fact.  I guess that I thought that this was something that was hidden behind bedroom doors, or in secret basement dungeon rooms (for those lucky enough to have one...hahah).  

Does this change my opinion about being in a relationship like this?  I don't know.  I'm terrified that people will find out the 'games' that we play.  The names we call each other, and the scenes we play out are not for the faint of heart...but are they completely wrong?  No, I don't think so.  Others might though.  I guess that is what I'm scared of....

I've never been a big blow-job girl.  Master says that I'm quite good at it, and he tries to get me to do it...ALL THE TIME.  Sometimes I like to just surprise him with it, but because of the amount of times that I get asked in the hours that he and I are together always seems to wreck that surprise.

This weekend however, something CRAZY happened.  I wanted to suck cock the entire weekend.  I didn't care what I was doing, I seriously wanted to drop to my knees every 10 min and suck him off.   I did...for a lot of the day.  In the kitchen while lunch was cooking.  In the living room while he was watching tv....(porn actually, hahah).  In the bedroom while we were playing around.  In the bathroom after having a shower.

This weekend, I had every orifice filled...multiple times.  I ended up feeling completely sated.  My lips were bruised and swollen, my throat raw.  My cunt was well filled, sopping wet most of the weekend, and throbbing.  My ass was fucked hard, I was in so much pain.  I didn't care.  

I have never felt like that before.  Wanting to have a cock rubbing against my lips, cum on my tongue, and a big, strong hand gripping my hair.  Don't tell him, by I'm kind of hoping for a repeat this weekend.  shhhhhh......

xoxo

Lying in bed, complaining about my day.  Strong hands lightly caress up my back, reaching my shoulders and rubbing a steady, firm rhythm.  I can feel his breath on my ear as he whispers, "Relax for me...close your eyes....sleep for me...".  His voice is calming, soothing....and suddenly sounds farther and farther away. 

With my eyes closed, my breathing easier, I find myself completely relaxed.  Sleeping deeper then I have in a long time.  His hands are no longer on my neck, they are roaming over my body.  Playing with my tits, pinching and rubbing my little nipples until they are hard and throbbing.  I feel his massive cock rubbing against my ass, his pre-cum making it wet...it slides between my legs, towards my ass.  Instead of tensing up like I usually do, his voice reassures me that I'm ok, just to sleep, let him take care of me.  I do...and I sleep deeper and deeper...

When I wake up, it's the next morning and i feel as though I have slept for many hours more then I had. I stretch, the wetness between my thighs makes me question him.   

So, it appears as though I have added something new to my bag of tricks.

Earlier this evening, Master and I were sitting in our living room watching TV when he decided to come over to where I was sitting and started kissing me.  Leaning back, he stared at me for a bit and whispered for me to cum...not anything huge, as I've been cumming on command for more then a couple of years. 

A couple of hours later, we were sitting in his parents living room and he leveled me with this gaze that suddenly brought back a lot of the feelings of a couple of hours ago, and I just seemed to let go.  I actually had an orgasm sitting in my In-Laws living room...with my husband sitting across the room....not even talking, just looking at me.

Man....that's kinda crazy. 

I seriously don't understand what is going on with me lately...we've been apart and visiting my family out of town so we haven't had sex in a while, so I don't know if that is something that contributed to my sudden need for public orgasming...

The exhibitionist in me loves the thought of having my picture taken, regardless of what I'm wearing or not wearing whatever the case might be.  Master has recently bought a video camera and has taped me a couple of times, giving head, riding his cock...whatever he decides strikes his fancy.  I admit, and I've told him the same, I am really turned on by it. 

Master has always said how much he loves my body and that I turn him on to no end.  After seeing his exes and other women that he has shown interest in, I feel inadequate and like I'm not worthy of him.  I'm getting that this is a common feeling for many submissives.  I've read some stories and blogs from girls who feel as though their appearance is a reflection of their Master, wanting to be attractive for not only him, but other around him so that they can see what a prize she is. 

I guess I fee like I don't have the ability to show how I can shine so I just give up.  There are fleeting moments, in the heat of passion or curled up in his arms afterward when I truly feel like the most attractive woman in the world.  Those are quickly replaced by the feelings of fatness, hatred for myself, disgust and finally acceptance that I can never look like those women that I see him admire.

Why should I feel so down on myself?? All things considered I would say that I'm a pretty decent prize (to return to the term I used before).  I'm intelligent, caring, loving, a good mother, a good wife.  I can carry a conversation, write a paper, and argue a point.  I have been told by some of the finest minds I know that I am going to go on to do great things, I'm even being vetted for academic positions once completing school.  I love my daughter and my husband more then life itself and I put them before everything else.

Does the fact that I'm not a size 2 make me unacceptable as a submissive? I don't think it does, but I think it is preventing me from going forward in my training.  I have taken on the persona that my Master likes me to...that of a petulant child, one that needs a stern hand and guidance...which he is more then willing to provide.  But, I'm embarrassed that I can't wear only my collar and a smile for him.  How do I get over that? Is it something that can happen??

It's been some time since I posted last....as per the LJ gods (or goddesses) it's been 13 weeks.

Lots of things have been happening...school is wonderful.  Stressful, exciting, mind-bending, inspirational.  In other words, everything I ever thought that University would be.  I'm taking courses that I love, and that interest me to no end.  All except for the course that I thought would interest me the most.  It is supposed to be a cross cultural look at sex, love and marriage....instead it was an extended version of the professors PhD research.  That is the only thing I have been disappointed about.

We have fallen into this happy lull.  We have a simple life that is punctuated with the occasional educational melt-down, we rarely go out and spend a lot of time at home watching movies or television.  I have to take some summer courses but I will have the whole month of August off!!!  That might mean camping or something...I hope.

I'll try not to stay away too long next time. 

It's been a long time since an update, and the reason for that is because of my utter lack of time and anything interesting happening in my life.

I've been feeling lately like I haven't done anything in my life, I thought that 2007 would be a great year for me. It turned out to be a pretty crappy one. 

Sure, I did do a lot of things that may be considered monumental to some...
- I got married my soul mate, someone who completely gets me and loves me so much.
- I graduated from college with high honours
- I got into Teacher's College
- I got a job offer after graduate school

Why isn't this enough for me? Why can't I be happy with 4 every HUGE things that happened in my life? Any one of these things could be a massive moment in a person's life, why can I not see that and be happy?

I have this issue with always grabbing the negative and holding on to that, dismissing any speck of good.  I can't stop it, I seriously have tried and it is impossible.

I've decided to try and make resolutions this year, I've never done it before and figured that I might as well give it a shot.  I'm going to make different ones for each area of my life:

School - concentrating on keeping my GPA high so I can get into a Directed Reading program

Academics (yeah, they are sort of the same...but I'm putting them in different categories) - Start researching for an article to have published while I am still doing my Undergrad.

Health - Try and lose weight in order to become healthier.

Life in General - Try to be more positive

Personal Life - be more attentive to my husband, he is so amazing with me and so understanding...I feel like I need to make sure that I am returning that understanding and love.

I don't know if these are going to stick, I'll more then likely be using this journal as more of a prompt to keep myself going with these.  SO, that being said, I'm sorry if my posts get tedious. 

That being said -

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!

For the last few months, we have been hanging out with this girl who I have been friends with for a couple of years now.  She comes over to our place a lot for dinner, just to watch TV or movies.  She'll come over to keep him company while I'm at school or work late.  We have a wonderful dynamic that makes me really happy when we are together.

As some of you know from previous postings, he has poly tendencies while I am on the fence about the whole thing.  Well, having her over and hanging out the way we do has made me realize that I want a relationship...all three of us. 

We haven't talked to her about it, she calls herself his other wife and she enjoys our company as much as we enjoy hers.  The last time she came over for dinner, she joked that she was getting the shitty end of the stick because she wasn't getting any action.

I enjoy the easy conversation that we have and the way that there are never awkward silences. 

Last night though, he said that he wanted to stop hanging out so much because he said that he doesn't think that she would really be into something like that.  I want to take our time and see what happens...I told him that as well.  He said that he has feelings for her, and that this is the first girl since dating me (almost 5 years ago) that he has been attracted to like this.  I think that means something, he is a very picky person....he values intelligence and good conversation, he wants someone he can spar with, debate with and joke with...he has that with me, and I can see that he has that with her as well.

Hopefully he will take my feelings into consideration before just ends things with her. 

How do all of you lovely people on here get inspired to write as often as your do?  Even your most mundane days and events seem amazing to me.  I have tried to do the same thing, but have failed....sometimes sitting in front of my computer for hours waiting for inspiration to hit.   Then I give up, disappointing him because he enjoys reading what I write about, even if it's boring to everyone else.

For some reason, talking and writing elicit very different levels of response from him.  When we talk, he sometimes get that glazed over look in his eyes but, while he is reading some of my posts I can see the little smile on his face as he is skimming the lines that I've written. 

1 sentence that I've written sometimes has more of an impact than a 30 minute conversation.  I want to please him, I want to do what he asks and one of the main thing that he asks for is for me to write in this journal.  Sometimes I feel inadequate as a wife and lover, I spend way to much time working, going to school, working on homework.  Sometimes I feel like I neglect him, and I know that one of the things about me posting means that it doesn't matter if I'm at school or work until 11 pm he can read my posts and it's like we are talking.

Anyways....

Any advice you all can give me on where to start with journal posts it would be greatly appreciated!

School is kicking my ass 6 ways til Sunday, and working 2 jobs is wearing me a little thin....and of course, the person to get the brunt of it all...my darling, wonderful, amazing, gorgeous husband. 

The last couple of weeks have truly been brutal, I am so on edge that I am crying at the drop of a hat and I am forever thinking that he is mad at me.  We have not had sex in over a week, and I actually told him the other night that he could jerk off if he needed to.  Not something that I've ever had the desire to say to him at all.  Usually I'm all for sex, anytime and anywhere...but recently, I am even having a hard time coming on command....which is really the only way I come anymore, which is probably more of the problem then anything else.  A good orgasm does a girl a world of good!

I don't know what of all things, I think that he is mad at me all the time.  I think that he is safe for me, no matter what I say or do, I know in the end that I can curl up in his arms at night, he will stroke my hair and tell me that I'm safe. 

As I sit here I can say that I honestly don't know if I can handle another 5 months of this.  I'm not sleeping, my days are long and unforgiving at times, I am reading about 250 pages of articles/textbooks a week, I'm currently working on 4 essays/assignments, working at my placement and trying to write thought provoking responses and journal entries for some of my courses.  I feel so buried in my school work that I don't see a way out of it.  I try to explain that to him, he says that I'll do fine and that I did so well before....but this is different.  I wish he would get that.  I'm not over-reacting.  I know when I am in over my head...sometimes I wish he would just believe me.