...That which yields is not always weak...

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 05:01:26 GMT

I have come to the realization that we (not just Master and I, but a lot of you out there who still read this) are living out the fantasy of maybe millions of people.

I was in a bookstore the other day, I wandered through the erotica section and most of the books there were about BDSM. I was a little shocked about this fact. I guess that I thought that this was something that was hidden behind bedroom doors, or in secret basement dungeon rooms (for those lucky enough to have one...hahah).

Does this change my opinion about being in a relationship like this? I don't know. I'm terrified that people will find out the 'games' that we play. The names we call each other, and the scenes we play out are not for the faint of heart...but are they completely wrong? No, I don't think so. Others might though. I guess that is what I'm scared of....

Fun weekend....hoping for a repeat...

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 04:44:32 GMT

I've never been a big blow-job girl. Master says that I'm quite good at it, and he tries to get me to do it...ALL THE TIME. Sometimes I like to just surprise him with it, but because of the amount of times that I get asked in the hours that he and I are together always seems to wreck that surprise.

This weekend however, something CRAZY happened. I wanted to suck cock the entire weekend. I didn't care what I was doing, I seriously wanted to drop to my knees every 10 min and suck him off. I did...for a lot of the day. In the kitchen while lunch was cooking. In the living room while he was watching tv....(porn actually, hahah). In the bedroom while we were playing around. In the bathroom after having a shower.

This weekend, I had every orifice filled...multiple times. I ended up feeling completely sated. My lips were bruised and swollen, my throat raw. My cunt was well filled, sopping wet most of the weekend, and throbbing. My ass was fucked hard, I was in so much pain. I didn't care.

I have never felt like that before. Wanting to have a cock rubbing against my lips, cum on my tongue, and a big, strong hand gripping my hair. Don't tell him, by I'm kind of hoping for a repeat this weekend. shhhhhh......

xoxo

Relax....

Sat, 25 Oct 2008 03:25:05 GMT

Lying in bed, complaining about my day. Strong hands lightly caress up my back, reaching my shoulders and rubbing a steady, firm rhythm. I can feel his breath on my ear as he whispers, "Relax for me...close your eyes....sleep for me...". His voice is calming, soothing....and suddenly sounds farther and farther away.

With my eyes closed, my breathing easier, I find myself completely relaxed. Sleeping deeper then I have in a long time. His hands are no longer on my neck, they are roaming over my body. Playing with my tits, pinching and rubbing my little nipples until they are hard and throbbing. I feel his massive cock rubbing against my ass, his pre-cum making it wet...it slides between my legs, towards my ass. Instead of tensing up like I usually do, his voice reassures me that I'm ok, just to sleep, let him take care of me. I do...and I sleep deeper and deeper...

When I wake up, it's the next morning and i feel as though I have slept for many hours more then I had. I stretch, the wetness between my thighs makes me question him.

Old kitten....new tricks??

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 02:43:15 GMT

So, it appears as though I have added something new to my bag of tricks.

Earlier this evening, Master and I were sitting in our living room watching TV when he decided to come over to where I was sitting and started kissing me. Leaning back, he stared at me for a bit and whispered for me to cum...not anything huge, as I've been cumming on command for more then a couple of years.

A couple of hours later, we were sitting in his parents living room and he leveled me with this gaze that suddenly brought back a lot of the feelings of a couple of hours ago, and I just seemed to let go. I actually had an orgasm sitting in my In-Laws living room...with my husband sitting across the room....not even talking, just looking at me.

Man....that's kinda crazy.

I seriously don't understand what is going on with me lately...we've been apart and visiting my family out of town so we haven't had sex in a while, so I don't know if that is something that contributed to my sudden need for public orgasming...

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 02:54:40 GMT

The exhibitionist in me loves the thought of having my picture taken, regardless of what I'm wearing or not wearing whatever the case might be. Master has recently bought a video camera and has taped me a couple of times, giving head, riding his cock...whatever he decides strikes his fancy. I admit, and I've told him the same, I am really turned on by it.

Master has always said how much he loves my body and that I turn him on to no end. After seeing his exes and other women that he has shown interest in, I feel inadequate and like I'm not worthy of him. I'm getting that this is a common feeling for many submissives. I've read some stories and blogs from girls who feel as though their appearance is a reflection of their Master, wanting to be attractive for not only him, but other around him so that they can see what a prize she is.

I guess I fee like I don't have the ability to show how I can shine so I just give up. There are fleeting moments, in the heat of passion or curled up in his arms afterward when I truly feel like the most attractive woman in the world. Those are quickly replaced by the feelings of fatness, hatred for myself, disgust and finally acceptance that I can never look like those women that I see him admire.

Why should I feel so down on myself?? All things considered I would say that I'm a pretty decent prize (to return to the term I used before). I'm intelligent, caring, loving, a good mother, a good wife. I can carry a conversation, write a paper, and argue a point. I have been told by some of the finest minds I know that I am going to go on to do great things, I'm even being vetted for academic positions once completing school. I love my daughter and my husband more then life itself and I put them before everything else.

Does the fact that I'm not a size 2 make me unacceptable as a submissive? I don't think it does, but I think it is preventing me from going forward in my training. I have taken on the persona that my Master likes me to...that of a petulant child, one that needs a stern hand and guidance...which he is more then willing to provide. But, I'm embarrassed that I can't wear only my collar and a smile for him. How do I get over that? Is it something that can happen??

I'm back! Sort of....

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 02:16:55 GMT

It's been some time since I posted last....as per the LJ gods (or goddesses) it's been 13 weeks.

Lots of things have been happening...school is wonderful. Stressful, exciting, mind-bending, inspirational. In other words, everything I ever thought that University would be. I'm taking courses that I love, and that interest me to no end. All except for the course that I thought would interest me the most. It is supposed to be a cross cultural look at sex, love and marriage....instead it was an extended version of the professors PhD research. That is the only thing I have been disappointed about.

We have fallen into this happy lull. We have a simple life that is punctuated with the occasional educational melt-down, we rarely go out and spend a lot of time at home watching movies or television. I have to take some summer courses but I will have the whole month of August off!!! That might mean camping or something...I hope.

I'll try not to stay away too long next time.

A New Year...A New Me?

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 03:12:07 GMT

It's been a long time since an update, and the reason for that is because of my utter lack of time and anything interesting happening in my life.

I've been feeling lately like I haven't done anything in my life, I thought that 2007 would be a great year for me. It turned out to be a pretty crappy one.

Sure, I did do a lot of things that may be considered monumental to some...
- I got married my soul mate, someone who completely gets me and loves me so much.
- I graduated from college with high honours
- I got into Teacher's College
- I got a job offer after graduate school

Why isn't this enough for me? Why can't I be happy with 4 every HUGE things that happened in my life? Any one of these things could be a massive moment in a person's life, why can I not see that and be happy?

I have this issue with always grabbing the negative and holding on to that, dismissing any speck of good. I can't stop it, I seriously have tried and it is impossible.

I've decided to try and make resolutions this year, I've never done it before and figured that I might as well give it a shot. I'm going to make different ones for each area of my life:

School - concentrating on keeping my GPA high so I can get into a Directed Reading program

Academics (yeah, they are sort of the same...but I'm putting them in different categories) - Start researching for an article to have published while I am still doing my Undergrad.

Health - Try and lose weight in order to become healthier.

Life in General - Try to be more positive

Personal Life - be more attentive to my husband, he is so amazing with me and so understanding...I feel like I need to make sure that I am returning that understanding and love.

I don't know if these are going to stick, I'll more then likely be using this journal as more of a prompt to keep myself going with these. SO, that being said, I'm sorry if my posts get tedious.

That being said -

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!

A non-school related update!

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 21:42:46 GMT

For the last few months, we have been hanging out with this girl who I have been friends with for a couple of years now. She comes over to our place a lot for dinner, just to watch TV or movies. She'll come over to keep him company while I'm at school or work late. We have a wonderful dynamic that makes me really happy when we are together.

As some of you know from previous postings, he has poly tendencies while I am on the fence about the whole thing. Well, having her over and hanging out the way we do has made me realize that I want a relationship...all three of us.

We haven't talked to her about it, she calls herself his other wife and she enjoys our company as much as we enjoy hers. The last time she came over for dinner, she joked that she was getting the shitty end of the stick because she wasn't getting any action.

I enjoy the easy conversation that we have and the way that there are never awkward silences.

Last night though, he said that he wanted to stop hanging out so much because he said that he doesn't think that she would really be into something like that. I want to take our time and see what happens...I told him that as well. He said that he has feelings for her, and that this is the first girl since dating me (almost 5 years ago) that he has been attracted to like this. I think that means something, he is a very picky person....he values intelligence and good conversation, he wants someone he can spar with, debate with and joke with...he has that with me, and I can see that he has that with her as well.

Hopefully he will take my feelings into consideration before just ends things with her.

Inspiration??

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 21:09:36 GMT

How do all of you lovely people on here get inspired to write as often as your do? Even your most mundane days and events seem amazing to me. I have tried to do the same thing, but have failed....sometimes sitting in front of my computer for hours waiting for inspiration to hit. Then I give up, disappointing him because he enjoys reading what I write about, even if it's boring to everyone else.

For some reason, talking and writing elicit very different levels of response from him. When we talk, he sometimes get that glazed over look in his eyes but, while he is reading some of my posts I can see the little smile on his face as he is skimming the lines that I've written.

1 sentence that I've written sometimes has more of an impact than a 30 minute conversation. I want to please him, I want to do what he asks and one of the main thing that he asks for is for me to write in this journal. Sometimes I feel inadequate as a wife and lover, I spend way to much time working, going to school, working on homework. Sometimes I feel like I neglect him, and I know that one of the things about me posting means that it doesn't matter if I'm at school or work until 11 pm he can read my posts and it's like we are talking.

Anyways....

Any advice you all can give me on where to start with journal posts it would be greatly appreciated!

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 03:55:24 GMT

School is kicking my ass 6 ways til Sunday, and working 2 jobs is wearing me a little thin....and of course, the person to get the brunt of it all...my darling, wonderful, amazing, gorgeous husband.

The last couple of weeks have truly been brutal, I am so on edge that I am crying at the drop of a hat and I am forever thinking that he is mad at me. We have not had sex in over a week, and I actually told him the other night that he could jerk off if he needed to. Not something that I've ever had the desire to say to him at all. Usually I'm all for sex, anytime and anywhere...but recently, I am even having a hard time coming on command....which is really the only way I come anymore, which is probably more of the problem then anything else. A good orgasm does a girl a world of good!

I don't know what of all things, I think that he is mad at me all the time. I think that he is safe for me, no matter what I say or do, I know in the end that I can curl up in his arms at night, he will stroke my hair and tell me that I'm safe.

As I sit here I can say that I honestly don't know if I can handle another 5 months of this. I'm not sleeping, my days are long and unforgiving at times, I am reading about 250 pages of articles/textbooks a week, I'm currently working on 4 essays/assignments, working at my placement and trying to write thought provoking responses and journal entries for some of my courses. I feel so buried in my school work that I don't see a way out of it. I try to explain that to him, he says that I'll do fine and that I did so well before....but this is different. I wish he would get that. I'm not over-reacting. I know when I am in over my head...sometimes I wish he would just believe me.

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 00:41:35 GMT

School has been stressing me out a little, and it's thrown my whole body out of whack. Last week after I got off the bus, I was getting ready to cross the road, instead I felt dizzy and promptly fell over. Lucky for me, a woman stopped to help me up but I was so out of it, I muttered something unintelligible and I wandered off. I have to remember to thank her the next time I see her.

I ended up with a badly skinned knee, bruised both knees and hurt my arm...damn, I don't do anything half-assed. It hurts to walk, bend my knees, sleep, sit....I'm sure you get the picture.

He has been nice, letting me mend a little before fucking me. Of course midway through, after spending the previous 45 minutes or so being ever so gentle with my bruised body, he grabbed my knee (the super bruised/scraped one) and pressed on it slowly watching my face for reaction the entire time. After a couple of minutes of me crying out in pain, he claimed it was an accident and goes back to business. God, he is lucky I love him...(and that he owns me, and I can't live without him)...or he'd be out on his ass.

Needless to say, I won't be playing anytime soon. Which sucks, because I really really want to. I'm actually pouting right now...

How about our safeword is "Don't pee on me"?

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 03:13:16 GMT

I don't know if anyone else has noticed the increase in stuff in the entertainment world about BDSM.

I remember watching "Secretary" for the first time and being shocked at the fact that they had no only released a movie like this but that it was readily available in your local Blockbuster...mind you that was also right around the time that Master and I had begun to discuss similar topics during our courtship days. He wanting to bring me to a coffee shop wearing a collar and leash...me wanting to act out some ageplay fantasies but not quite knowing how to say it...

Now, everywhere you turn there are aspects of the "lifestyle" everywhere. "Californication" (a fantastic new show, highly recommended by me for all who haven't seen it), has touched on several things including a boss/secretary turned Master/slave. He then tries to take aspects of the relationship home to his wife, which doesn't work out quite as well. But it definitely shows the awkwardness I'm sure we have all felt at one point or another when we were with vanilla partners, trying to get a fix. The wives in "Big Love" are submissive to their husbands, and each embody different traits that any house-slave would agree are extremely important. Also, who can forget Lady Heather from "CSI"?

I admit, I haven't known as long as some that this is the way I wanted to live my life...and sometimes, I admit, reading other journals makes me feel as though I am a) not cut out for it...b) not any good at it...c) not what my Master wants me to be. I'm always thinking there is someone out there far more suited to him then I am. I have to keep reminding myself though, this is merely 1 facet of our relationship....yes, I am his submissive, and I am also his wife, lover, friend, chef, etc.

I worry sometimes that my life outside of the home impedes on my ability to be effective in the home. I'm not just talking about the submissive aspect of my relationship with my husband, but in everything. I know that it's only 2.5 more years before I'm done school and then I'll be more of a contributor to our household...but until then, my focus is on school. Thank the gods Master is supportive of me in everything...I'd be lost without him.

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 04:08:43 GMT

The other night I went to bed early...this is not something I normally do because I've never been very successful at this because I'm usually unable to sleep without him beside me. Sometimes though, when he tells me to go to bed...giving me permission...I am able to do it. As I got into bed I crawled under the covers I fell asleep almost immediately, the stresses of school and work finally made me crash and I slept deeply.

I didn't hear the door creak as it opened and the light from the hallway that I know spills across the bed didn't bother me either. Snuggled in my nest of blankets and pillows I was oblivious to what was happening. His weight on the mattress caused me to shift a little, getting into a position so that we could cuddle up and go to sleep. Instead, I felt a hand circle my ankle and roll me over so that I was lying on my back. I remember moaning softly, maybe asking him what was going on. My answer was a hand over my mouth and a cock buried deep inside of me. One would think that an experience like this would wake someone up completely, but I remained in this half-sleep/half-waking state.

I remember very little of the night, adjusting myself slightly so that I could take him deeper...him suckling on my breasts and whispering in my ear, words that I enjoyed but didn't linger. He got what he came for and rolled off of me, pulling me towards him to cuddle. I snuggled up against him, my ass pressing into his still hard cock..."Enough for tonight, my little slut" was my goodnight.

1 week down, 80 or so more til I graduate!

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 04:46:57 GMT

Broken down like that, it doesn't seem like a lot at all!

3 years seems so long considering I've already been in school for 2...doing my Masters, and PhD on top of that, I'll be in school until I'm 50! Not that I really mind I guess, it's just sometimes I feel that I'm not contributing as much as I could to our household.

It's not like I don't do anything, I go to school full-time (25 hours a week), I have 2 jobs (about 25 hours a week)....but I feel like I could be doing more. I guess I have to constantly keep reminding myself that money is not the only contribution that I am making to the household. I cook, clean, teach my daughter, provide companionship for my husband, feed my cat and change the water for my fish...that's a lot of stuff, right?

Why do women always seem to want to take on the world and when we aren't able to juggle 58 things at once, we feel like failures? I guess maybe that is why I am drawn to being a submissive sometimes. This is the time for me to be stripped of those worries and just get to be me with 1 goal and 1 purpose...to be my Master's pet. He started seeing changes in me as school approached, I was becoming more sullen and bitter. I was angry a lot, worried that I was once again slipping into "mooch mode". I hate the thought of sponging off of someone else's hard work. I guess being raised by a single mother who was able to work 2 jobs and still be there for me is a tough act to follow.

One of my professors once told me that for every hour you are in class, you should be spending 3 hours outside of class doing ready/prep work/assignments. I thought to myself, this is the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard...then as the school year progressed, I realized it was the truth. I was easily spending an extra 60 hours a week doing school work. I neglected my family a lot of the time in order to complete my school work...25 page essays take a lot of time to write, rewrite, edit, rewrite again, how they have put up with me is beyond me.

I have seen the fruits of my labours however, I graduated with a 4.0 (Highest Honours) and the most important people in my life got to see me walk across that stage and get my diploma. I have been showered with academic honours, the Dean's List, scholarships...the most exciting though is the promise of a job once I am done school. If you had told me 5 years ago this is where I would be today, I would have laughed at you and went back to bagging someone's Big Mac.
Master has affected so much change in my life that I feel like I could thank him every day for the rest of my life and it still would never be enough. He has made me such a strong person, yes...I still have my doubts, and I still run myself down...but, it is few and far between now. My family has noticed such positive changes in me and it has strengthened my relationships with them. They have always been there for me, even when I made horrible decisions (i.e. moving away with a boyfriend because I believed that was the only way that we could truly be independent...staying with another boyfriend who used to hit me and call me horrible names...or becoming so depressed that I became a hermit and would not talk to anyone), now I see the way they look at me...they see the difference in my posture and stride, they can see the pride I take in my accomplishments and they want to share in that with me.

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 04:24:25 GMT

So, school is almost upon us once again. I start classes on Wednesday and I have to admit, I'm a little nervous. I have 2 Anthropology classes (Early Civilizations & Love, Sex and Marriage) and one of my Teacher's Ed. courses. All told, I'm in classes from 11:30 am - 10 pm on Wednesdays..not so much fun.

Since the wedding things have changed in our relationship, we have kind of fallen into this comfortable domesticity that doesn't seem to leave much room for the games we used to play. I don't know if maybe it is because since getting married I have found myself more inclined to perform tasks that before I would have considered to be signs of submission, maybe I am just assuming this is now my position in life and I need to work with it rather then rebel against it.

The other evening, I was upset after another fight with my daughter's other family...I felt as though P. didn't back me up and I was feeling very betrayed. He claimed it was because he wasn't willing to start a fight or pick at old wounds. We had our first REAL fight. We bicker a lot and jokingly fight with each other...this time we fought like you wouldn't believe. I actually ignored him for part of the day....that's not something that I usually can do. We ended up talking once he got home and he explained why he did what he did (or didn't do). After a little bit of convincing, I put aside my personal feelings about the situation and looked at things logically and began to understand his motivations.

We ended up having crazy sex the other night....wild, sweaty, loud sex! Not really something that we do very often because with me working, going to school and him working long hours we don't usually have the time to dedicate to each other like this. I don't know where he gets his energy from sometimes, it boggles my mind. Some nights he is yawning by 10:30...then other nights he is ready for Round 3 (or 4 or 5) with no problems.

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 23:47:48 GMT

Things around here have been so relaxing...Last week Master had the whole week off and we spent a bunch of time just sitting around the house enjoying each other's company. I love it when he calls me his wife, or "little wifey" heh....it makes me smile just thinking about it.

I've been working on doing little things to get the house in order, moving things around that we got for the wedding...new dishes, a waffle maker (yay), bunch of fluffy new towels, and a bunch of gift cards that we are going to use for buying a new TV. We don't have cable or anything but we watch a lot of movies and our TV is horribly old but still works quite well.

I am still trying to wrangle a Kitchen Aid mixer out of Master because I want to bake more, but he said my little hand mixer is good enough...looks like I need to work on him a little harder.

We have entered a new kind of phase in our relationship. It has moved away it seems from the pain aspect and more towards the caring/nurturing aspect of ownership. I am not someone he takes out his anger on anymore, rather a well-loved pet. He is actually tender towards me, praising me and cuddling me...sometimes he goes overboard and tell me to do things that I already know that I have to do (like brush my teeth, or put my plate in the kitchen)...that aspect of this new phase kinda bugs me, but I get where is he coming from. He just wants me to be the best that I can be.

It's official!!

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 18:43:48 GMT

I'm Mrs. Masterslastname!

The wedding was absolutely beautiful and everything I could have ever hoped for.

The day started out fine, I was a little nervous but other then that things were good. I had my hair and makeup done and then got dressed....my uncle surprised me with a stretch limo which picked us up about 45 min. before the ceremony so that way we could take the long way up and have some champagne and talk. We got there on time, but the officiant ended up being about 30 min late. Normally, that would have been a bad thing, but it actually calmed me down a lot knowing that I didn't have to head out there right away.

There ceremony itself was short and simple, but it was so heartfelt....there wasn't a dry eye in the group. Our vows were spontanious, we said everything we were feeling at that moment...mine were about how thankful I am that he chose me...his were about how I had always belonged to him and I always will. It was so wonderfully loving, it made me feel so connected to him at that moment.

After some dinner and dancing, Master and I got into our car and started driving....we talked and held hands, just enjoying each other's company. He drove for hours, until we reached the middle of a lake on a strip of land that was so narrow that there was a layer of fog surrounding us. We waited there, watching the sun rise and burn through the mist. It was so beautiful and something that I will always remember.

We decided on driving home that we'd go a long route, I teased him most of the ride home...touching him and making him hard. He laughed as I taunted him and took pictures of me. This is one of them:

I blurred out my face, but I thought that my breasts look nice in this picture...so Master smudged out my face so I can put it up.

Although people say that sometimes you don't feel different once you are married, I do...maybe it is just a figment of my imagination but, it does feel different...I feel different. It's hard to describe, I'll think about it and post about it later once I get my thoughts in order.

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 01:49:20 GMT

So, I get home from work tonight and Master is sorting through the mail and I notice a little envelope with an air-mail stamp on it. I pick it up, a little nervous but opening it I discovered it is from my Great-Aunt who died last week. It was sent out a couple of days before she passed away, and she really didn't need to send it...she has been ill for sometime with lung cancer and to know that she took the time to send me a card giving her regrets, touches me so much.

I admit, I cried a little...that doesn't happen too often.

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 02:33:21 GMT

It's not until you have something huge in your life like getting married or having fantastic news about something in your life that you realize that you have no one to share it with.

I have always been a solitary person, it's a by-product of some of the relationships I have been in and some of the experiences that I've had. Most of the female friends that I have had in some way betray the trust that I have given them. Some examples; in high school I had someone I consider my best friend steal my entire writing portfolio and pass off several pieces as her own, even having one published in a book. Another person I considered to be extremely close to me slept with my ex-fiance and ended up getting pregnant. Most recently, someone that I thought to be a close friend basically accused me of harbouring same-sex feelings for her after finding out that I have bisexual tendencies. She asked if I found her attractive and I told her that I did...apparently that means that I want to sleep with her or try and pursue a relationship with her *shrug*.

It just seems that as soon as I share part of myself with someone, it blows up in my face and I end up having to distance myself or in some way sabotage the relationship to the point that it is unsalvagable. I am a destructive person and I always have been...relationships, friendships, everything....

I have problems in dealing with people head on, I always have...when things start to get to rough for me in relationships I cheat or try to make myself as undesirable as possible to the person I am with...in friendships, rather then discuss problems, I flake and push & become a total bitch....I know that it happens and it feels like I'm watching from the sidelines half the time.

This is more coming to light now because of the wedding, I have tried in so many ways to push Master away...make him leave me...I've tried being a total bitch, tried being cold to him, tried pushing him away towards someone else...nothing has worked. This is the first time that my plan hasn't worked actually... But, here I am, two weeks away from my wedding and I have no girlfriends to laugh and tell my fears to...I have no bride's maids to go shopping with or talk about the wedding with...it's almost like it's not even happening. At times I wish I didn't say yes, and we weren't getting married. I wish that I didn't realize that I am the age I am and have accomplished nothing with my life. I wish that I had true friends who would keep things from me or try to intentionally hurt me....

There are so many things that I wish, and nothing I could do to make those wishes come true.

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 03:33:32 GMT

Thanks to Kaya for replying to my post below and I did look at those necklaces and I do like the look of them...I'm not sure what or when we are going to worry about an everyday collar...I'm just trying to get through this whole wedding fiasco...

That being said...here is an update:

Wedding:

I pick up my dress this week, we picked out and ordered our flowers tonight and we are picking up the stuff we need for the candy buffet tomorrow. We have to meet up with the officiant and talk to her about our unconventional ceremony...(child involved, no parents, no attendants, hand-fasting, non-religious etc). Other then that there is nothing we can really do until the week or so before the wedding.

I had my 2nd bridal shower yesterday, being completely surprised again! I'm the most gullible person I know...Master laughs at me about this, but it's true. I feel dumb for not realizing what was going on, but I guess this is part of the festivities.

I got the most beautiful dishes, chocolate brown square ones and the most amazing handblown glass tumblers...now I have no excuse, I must throw a dinner party!

School:

I found out this evening that I was accepted into Teacher's College!!! It's very exciting and a huge accomplishment for me!

Well, that's all for now!

Since I missed posting a comment...and it really is more of a post....

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 03:10:02 GMT

I read Kaya's entry about her new collar today, and how she believed that she looked ridiculous....first off, on the off chance that Kaya actually reads my journal, I think that your new collar suits you and you look lovely in it....

That being said, the collar is the most frustrating part of our relationship. I have a lovely leather collar that Master bought me after he and I discussed making our relationship more permanent. However, the collar is not something that I can wear in public...and there has been a mission ever since to find another.

Master is quite keen on having one of those Eternity necklaces, one that I can't remove. I tried to tell him that I would never be able to wear something like that. I don't have the confidence to pull of something like that. Knowing that I can't take it off will add to my hysteria about it. This hysteria would attach a stigma to it that would make me unable to wear it at all...which would defeat the purpose of it.

I love some of the stuff that I've seen on the Tiffany's website, but their stuff is SOOO expensive. I know this sounds strange, but it's almost as if the chain says Tiffany's on it that makes it acceptable.

Someone posted about the "omega" necklaces...looking at the website, I kinda fell in love with them. They are delicate, inconspicuous yet have a collar feel to them.

A large part of me doesn't believe that I need a collar to symbolize the fact that I belong to Master...my word and actions should be enough. Why does it not seem like it is?? Why does everyone require a symbol to prove that I'm owned??

I hate being this aware of my relationship and the symbols that go along with it. In our wedding invitations he put the word "bound" in it, and my aunt began joking about our "s & m relationship". I froze...I tried to laugh it off but had this niggling feeling for the rest of the day that everyone knew that Master was my Master...and that I was a freak.

Update time....for those that read my journal...

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 02:03:29 GMT

I am the most negative person I know. I am a firm believer in the rule that three bad things happen at a time....I might have to rethink this idea.

School:

I finished my summer course it seemed like only a few days instead of 8 weeks. But, the good news is I got a full University credit and an A! So, I'm thrilled again. I can't believe I am doing as well as I have been considering that I almost failed high school. I'm really excited about September, I got to pick my courses and I love them all. I am still waiting to hear back from them about Teacher's College, but if I don't get in I'm not that concerned about it because Master said I can do a 1 year graduate program once I am done.

Home:

I've been working on a plan to organize our house and try to get it into shape. I have a hard time viewing this place as a home since it is a rental and I look at it as being transitory.

I've also been reading a lot food type blogs in the hopes of learning some new recipes. I have found some fantastic ones and they all seem like these amazing chefs, the food looks and sounds fantastic. I'm hoping to create a new repitoire considering I am now a (well in 3 weeks) a stay at home almost-wife!

Job:

That's right, I quit my job!!! YAY!!! You don't understand how much of a relief it is to say that. I have been grumbling about it for months now, and finally Master told me to quit or he'd leave me. So, I quit! *does a REALLY, REALLY happy dance*. I will be working a part time job (by part time, I mean 1 day a week) at my school, basically doing administrative work, which is cool and I have experience in doing it. Plus, the pay is almost double what I am being paid now, which is a definitely a bonus.

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 04:30:16 GMT

Mia has been asked to post a few times recently, and yet still nothing has appeared.. So I will do it for her. This is not something I usually want to do, as I do so enjoy what she writes for me. Hopefully after this she will learn that I have no problems sharing the story of our life together, as I for one find it quite entertaining.

Mia, however, has a huge problem with getting embarrassed. So thats what I will talk about today. She hates feeling embarrassed. In fact, when she is worried about it is one of the few times she does not listen, and often fights with me. In the end she will often still do as she has been told, just with a lot of stress and energy wasted in the process. She is however (thankfully) learning to accept it a little better each time, and coming to understand that in the end I will get what I want, even if it huts (her) a lot in the process.

Recently I have been having fun putting her in situations she feels she may get embarrassed, in order to loosen her up a little. She has been with me for years now, and has learned much. You heard a few weeks ago about me going away for the weekend. When I got home I decided I needed to mark up her skin a little, simply because I missed her.. The next day she went to school proudly displaying hickies... Or if not proudly, at least doing it because I told her to wear a shirt that would show them.. I must admit I didn't think that she would listen, but she did, and when I picked her up from school I got quite hard listening to her stories of how her friends reacted to them.

One of the things which she has learned is to cum on command.. A couple days ago we went out for dinner, and as I watched her across the table, I for whatever reason, thought about the movie When Harry Met Sally, and so I leaned across the table and told her to cum. She got a scared look on her face, but within 30 seconds that was quickly replaced with one of bliss. She was quiet, and none of the people around us heard or suspected anything.

Wednesday we went out with a group of friends from her school, and on the way home since the bus was dark and most people were sleeping, I put my arms around her and pulled her close. Then I whispered in her ear that I wanted her to be quiet but cum for me... There are very few things as fun as holding a girl and having her mind lose itself simply at command, especially when surrounded by people.

Next time, I'm sure she will post, even if its just about her being a domestic diva and pushing forward with her de-cluttering of our house.

~p

Home Stuff!

Wed, 30 May 2007 03:24:41 GMT

So, I've decided I'm going to move my living room around...the problem with having a townhouse is that they try to cram so much into so little space.

My living room/dining area is shaped like an "L" so that really limits what I can put into the space and due to my pack-ratish ways I feel horrible giving away larger pieces of furniture that were given to me by my grandmother (even though it has no value but sentimental...and even that is tenuous). I have smaller pieces of furniture that would fit nicely, but it's how to arrange them that I'm stuck.

As much as I love having my own house, it's the housekeeping part that I'm not a fan of. I hate having to come home after a long day of school/work and have to clean the house. As much as I'd love to be a housewife, and Master keeps joking about me being the most educated housewife in town (I'm on my way to getting my Honours B.A. in Anthropology & History, then a Masters in one of those after that)...the thought of being able to stay home and cook elaborate meals & fancy desserts appeals to me. I know however, that I would be bored to tears staying home all day unless I had small children to take care of...but that is another whole issue in itself.

Master understands my shortcomings in this area and has been incredibly patient with me...which I appreciate to no end. Although, it could be said what I lack in domestic abilities, I make up for in bed...*laughs*...ok, maybe not.

Ah well, it's getting late and I must get back to fawning over my Master and giving him all my attention.

Today was awesome!

Tue, 29 May 2007 01:01:49 GMT

I got my first test back today for my summer class...I was fairly certain that I did not do well, however I proved myself wrong once again and I ended up with a 95%!!!!! I am so excited!! This is the Intro class for my major, so doing well in this is extremely important to me.

I felt kind of bad though, there were some others in the class who didn't so well and they were quite upset...there was one girl who was bewildered about her mark and part of me wanted to say to her "If you didn't cut class to hang out with your boyfriend at his house all day maybe you wouldn't be flunking out of University!" (I know this is what she does because she talks about it everyday....how she can't go an hour without talking/IMing/texting/seeing her boyfriend)...bah...hopefully she'll grow up enough and realize that you can't place your life's happiness in the hands of one person.

Sometime ago I mentioned a couple of girls that I had feelings for, some people ended up getting the wrong idea and thought I was talking about them...but I digress...Anyway, the one girl who I hadn't talked to in a while ended up getting in contact with me through a internet networking site. Needless to say, I was quite excited to hear from her and we are planning on going out and having coffee (or whatever) soon to catch up. Sooo excited about that. H. & I were quite close for a while and there was even talk about her coming to live with us at one point. Yay for connecting with old friends!

I was locked out of the house today (silly me, I forgot my keys), so I took the opportunity to go for a really nice walk around our subdivision...I felt so good afterward, maybe I'll do it again tomorrow night.

I'm trying to talk Master into buying me this amazing camera as a grad present, I figured it's a small token considering some of my friends are getting cars...but he seems unbudgeable in this instance...I'll have to keep working on him. I love taking pictures, not of myself of course...I'm not a camera whore or anything lol, but of nature and the kid and stuff like that...I should post some pictures and get some opinions about my work....

Well, that's all I've got for an update for now...I have to go finish reading my book about crack dealers and write an essay!